This week, to celebrate Halloween, I bend my no-fantasy-food-rule in favor of that most unholy of sandwiches, the Broodwich. It wasn't forged in darkness, it wasn't baked by Beelzebub - but it does have a sinful amount of meat, hand-beaten mayo, lots of sun dried tomatoes, and lettuce. BED OF EVIL AND LETTUCE!

Ingredients

Red Sandwich Bread Ingredients: 

• 510 g bread flour

• 10 g instant yeast

• 30 g sugar

• 1 cup whole milk

• 1 egg

• 3 Tbsp oil

• 2 tsp salt

• Red coloring, 3 big squirts

Honey Baked Ham Ingredients:

• 3 lb boneless pork shoulder

• 10 g pink curing salt

• 50 g kosher salt

• 1 cup brown sugar

• 1 Tbsp honey

• 1 gallon distilled water

Pastrami Ingredients: 

• Brisket

• 2 Tbsp pickling spices

• 2 tsp pink curing salt

• 1 cup brown sugar

• 100 g kosher salt

• 2 gallons distilled water

• 3 Tbsp coriander seeds, crushed

• 3 Tbsp freshly ground black pepper

• 1 tsp mustard powder

• 1 tsp paprika

• 1 tsp garlic powder

• 1 tsp onion powder

Mortadella Ingredients: 

• 2lbs pork belly

• 3lbs lean pork

• 1 tsp star anise

• 1 tsp caraway seeds. 

• 1 tsp garlic powder

• 1 tsp mace

• 1 tsp white pepper

• 1 tsp pink curing salt

• 1 tsp ground coriander

• 3 tsp kosher salt

• ¾ cup shelled unsalted roasted pistachios

• 2 Tbsp black peppercorns. 

• Boiling water

Peppered Turkey Ingredients:

• Turkey breast

• Kosher salt

• Freshly ground black pepper

Roast Beef Ingredients:

• Large eye round roast

• Kosher salt

• Freshly ground black pepper

Homemade Mayo Ingredients:

• 2 whole eggs

• 1 tsp dijon mustard

• 2 Tbsp lemon juice 

• 1 garlic clove, crushed

• Pinch kosher salt

• 2 cups neutral flavored oil (like vegetable oil)

Method

Honey Baked Ham Method:

1. For the cure for a 3 lb piece of pork, combine 10 grams of pink curing salt, 50 grams kosher salt, 1 cup brown sugar, 1 tablespoon of honey, and 1 gallon of distilled water. Whisk together. 

2. Place the 3lb pork shoulder into the liquid and let cure in the solution for 3-5 days. Move around once per day to agitate the pork.

3. When ready to cook, pat the pork dry on a wire rack set in aluminum lined rimmed baking sheet and insert temperature probe, and roast 300°F for anywhere between 2-3 hours. Slice and enjoy.

 Pastrami Method:

1. Start by dividing a large chunk of brisket into its lean and fatty portions. 

2. For the cure, add and combine 2 tablespoons of pickling spices, 2 teaspoons of pink curing salt, 1 cup of brown sugar, 100 grams of kosher salt, and 2 gallons of distilled water. Whisk until dissolved. 

3. Place the brisket pieces into the cure and fridge for 3-5 days. Remove and agitate once every 24 hours. 

4. When finished curing, place the brisket in cool water for 1 hour before cooking. 

5. Transfer the brisket into a large pot, covered with water, and bring to a simmer for 2-3 hours. 

6. For the spice mix, combine and whisk together 3 tablespoons of crushed coriander seeds, 3 tablespoons of freshly ground black pepper, and 1 teaspoon each of mustard powder, paprika, garlic powder, and onion powder. Distribute evenly on the corned beef into every inch. 

7. Place in a smoker for 2 hours at 225°F. Slice and enjoy.

Mortadella Method:

1. Start by removing the skin from 2lbs pork belly and cutting into ½” chunks. Set into two evenly sized groups of most fatty and least fatty. 

2. Least fatty pieces are placed out evenly on a parchment-lined baking sheet and freeze for 15-20 minutes.

3. The fatty pieces are reserved in a bowl and placed in the fridge until ready to use. 

4. With an additional 3lbs of lean pork (whole loin roast) cut into 1” pieces. Spread out evenly on a parchment-lined baking sheet and freeze for 20 minutes. 

5. Using a meat grinder, grind the frozen pork loin and pork belly on the largest setting into a large bowl. 

6. For the spice mix, in a spice grinder mix together 1 teaspoon each of star anise and caraway seeds. Run through a fine-mesh sieve into a small bowl and combine with 1 teaspoon each of garlic powder, mace, white pepper, pink curing salt, ground coriander, and 3 teaspoons of kosher salt. Whisk to combine.

7. Add the spices to the coarsely ground pork and toss together by hand until evenly distributed. 

8. Run the now spiced pork back through the grinder on the finest setting into a large bowl. 

9. Spread the ground pork evenly over parchment-lined baking sheets and freeze for 20 minutes. 

10. For the fatty pork pieces, place into a large bowl along with ¾ cup of shelled unsalted roasted pistachios, and 2 tablespoons of black peppercorns. Cover the whole with boiling water and let sit for 20 minutes. Strain and set aside.

11. Using a chilled food processor grade, add in the semi-frozen ground pork and emulsify with some frozen red wine and ice water (2 tablespoons each per pound of pork). Process in batches for about 45 seconds until emulsified. 

12. Place into a large mixing bowl, massage together before adding in the cooled fat, nut, and peppercorn mixture and mixing until evenly distributed. 

13. On a few layers of plastic wrap, dump the pork out and pat it out into a large log pressing in any big chunks. Wrap tight in plastic wrap, twisting rotating up each end tightly until the plastic wrap is taut. Place in fridge for 24 hours. 

14. After 24 hours, vacuum seal and sous vide at 158°F for 5-6 hours. Afterward, transfer into an ice bath and let it cool completely in the fridge. Slice and enjoy.

Peppered Turkey Method:

1. On a wire rack set on an aluminum lined baking sheet, coat a turkey breast generously with kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper. 

2. Place in the fridge overnight before roasting 300°F for 45 minutes or reach an internal temperature of 145°F. It will eventually rise to 150°F. Slice and enjoy.

Roast Beef Method:

1. On a wire rack set on an aluminum lined baking sheet, coat a large eye round roast with a bunch of kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper. 

2. Place in the fridge overnight before roasting 300°F until an internal temperature of 120°F.

3. Wrap in plastic wrap, place in the refrigerator until ready to slice. 

Red Sandwich Bread Method:

1. Combine all ingredients except for red food coloring in a mixing bowl with a dough hook attachment. 

2. While the dough is mixing, add food coloring until dough reaches a medium red color.

3. Continue kneading until the dough no longer sticks to the sides and is smooth in texture (not ripping immediately), about 7-10 minutes.

4. Allow resting, covered, at room temperature for 1 hour. 

5. Cut 1 small portion of dough off while rolling the rest into a 16”x12” rectangle. Begin rolling from the bottom to the top lengthwise. Form and twist into a submarine roll. 

6. For the smaller portion of dough, roll into small logs that resemble horns and a tail. 

7. Allow resting on a parchment-lined baking sheet, covered, at room temperature for 45 minutes. 

8. Score as desired. 

9. Bake at 350 (no convention) for about 18 minutes, or until the bread's internal temperature reaches 200-210°F.

10. Let cool completely on a wire rack. 

Mayo Method:

1. In a container, combine 2 whole eggs, 1 teaspoon of dijon mustard, 2 tablespoons of lemon juice, 1 crushed garlic clove, and a pinch of kosher salt. 

2. Blend lightly until just combined and then top with 2 cups of a neutral flavored oil (vegetable oil). 

3. Place the immersion blender head at the bottom of the cup and begin blending from the bottom up. 

Broodwich Assembly: 

1. Slice the bread in half and generously lather the bottom slice with the homemade mayonnaise along with dijon mustard. 

2. Pile high using the various slices of homemade cold cuts before topping with slices of provolone and cheddar cheese along with lettuce and copious amounts of sundried tomatoes. 

3. Generously lather the top slice of bread with mayonnaise and dijon mustard before decorating with the horns and tail.